I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. By the way, I’m sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. Observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013. She was so fertile I didn’t even let her hold avocados. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She kept getting pregnant! I don’t know how. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I’m dead. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you’d be interested in anything I’ve done. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. The father of all five of you pale creatures. I certainly wouldn’t do that in the foreword of a book.ĭear Children, I am your dad. Funny, I never say “ugh.” Oh, I see what he’s doing. I hope this isn’t one of those complainabout-your-kids books or, even worse, one of those sappy “I love my kids” books.

Wait, is this the guy with like ten kids? Either way it’s just weird to have so many kids today. Is he really that pale? I don’t know what’s going on with the cover and title. He probably just talked to some ghostwriter and they turned it into something readable. Why would he write a book? Why would they let him write a book? He doesn’t even seem like he’s read a book before. Hooooot Poooockets! I guess that’s funny to some people. Jim Gaffigan wrote a book? Isn’t he the Hot Pocket guy? I bet he regrets doing that joke. DADI SF AT atoneoft hes er et ai l er s :

Dad is fat gaffigan